Kill your Jealousy.

I recently noticed that both my jealousy and envy in comedy is gone. For me it happened by accident, but I was having a conversation with someone when they dropped a few humble brags. For the first time since I started standup comedy I didn’t care. On really a deep level. I just listened to what they said, and I was happy for them, that’s it. Made me take a step back and wonder what happened. Usually I would get secretly jealous or envy what they have, but it didn’t happen.

“A lot of people get so hung up on what they can’t have that they don’t think for a second about whether they really want it.” -Lionel Shiver.

First off, I have to speak on the difference of envy and jealousy. Envy is when we lack something that someone else has, while Jealousy is fear that someone will take what we have. I think that both take place in comedy. So often spots appear to be a limited resource for comics, so I often fall prey to thoughts that because someone got a spot that means I can’t have it. For me this is subconscious thinking and not necessarily based in reality. It’s an unchecked reactive feeling. So most of the time we refer to jealousy, when it's usually envy.

I am not proud to admit that I have so much envy, but I think it's important to be transparent about my feelings even when they are less than admirable. So often when I take a step back and look at moments of envy and think do I really want this thing? Or is it just that it's something I don’t have and they have it so I want it? What is the reality of what they have and is that really something that I want. I also cut many of the people out of my life that spend a lot of time and energy trying to get me to want things they have. Like I have a friend who I caught up with recently and he spent the whole time bragging about all the “adult” things he had that he knew I didn’t. I fell into this trap thinking I was a failure because I don’t own a home or have any kids and we are the same age. But it’s not a priority for me at this point in my life. He did make me feel like I needed those things. I remembered that I can pull off basically anything I put my mind to and I haven’t been trying for that. It’s like getting upset that I lost a race I never entered. So when I have these moments I practice asking myself, is this a race I entered? If it is, what actions can I take to do better? If it’s not, then is this something I want to go for? Or is it just wanting what someone else has because they have it.

With most traditional comedy being shut down this year it has really put something into perspective for me. For the first time since I started comedy I have felt grateful that I do not rely on comedy for my livelihood. This has given me a new perspective and appreciation for comedy. Nobody in comedy wants to admit that it is a hobby. It’s looked down upon and you feel like you are not a real comic unless you do it for a living. But for me I get so much more out of it than just money. The money isn’t the reason I do comedy. I think that if I were in it for the money I would no longer enjoy it. I had an experience when I was living in Las Vegas where I got paid for several sets where the money was good but the audience was either non-existent or just terrible.

The other way that I have killed my jealousy/envy is by empowering myself to take action and create my own opportunities. So by focusing on the things I can control the opportunities become a byproduct of that. This has had a significant effect for several reasons. One being I am too busy to sit and worry about who is getting what or what shows I am not on. I don’t have the time to think about it because I am organizing, running or performing in my own things. I realize now on the other side that I just had the time to worry about those things. I also just have the confidence that I can create my own things based on what I have done.

The best part of creating my own things is they match the dream. Often when I do something that is created by someone else I put it on this pedestal and it’s not always what my dream or what I had created in my head. Often the dream is not the reality. But when I build the show myself it is much closer to the dream. Take for example I wanted to get passed at a local club. In my head that meant that I would get to work shows every weekend. I realized that was not the truth, the dream for me was I wanted to host a regular show to work on my hosting every week. The dream did not match the reality of getting passed at the club. But when I started my own show I was able to curate it and make it my own to match what I wanted. The things we create more closely will match the reality. This control leads to more confidence in myself and I do not get envious of others.

I think it is important to look at those ugly feelings and learn from them. If I see someone doing something that I want I think about what steps I could take to get it. Then if I take those steps do I still really want it? I’ve realized a lot of my jealousy/envy is rooted in my own insecurities and as I empower myself more to just take action those feelings dissipate.

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Thank you for reading, You’re doing great. 

Bjorn RG.