I recently went on a trip to San Francisco with my husband for a comedy festival. It was fun but it was weird. There was this void. The whole trip we spent running around to visit different places and restaurants. We walked, rode, trollies, street cars, Lyfts, and driverless cabs to almost every corner of the city. But after we arrived, saw the things, ate a meal, even with a full belly I was left feeling empty. I retreated into scrolling on my phone. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so uncomfortable. Like I had this thirst for something but I couldn’t quench it. After a few days I realized what was missing: drinking booze. Traveling sober as an adult is a totally different experience.

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” ~Buddha

When I travel and none of that time is spent drinking, I have a lot more conscious time. It’s like I was aware of every minute. I didn’t get lost in it. When I was drinking much of the time would be spent getting to a cool bar or spot, and relaxing with a drink for 8 hours. Losing track of time. But it felt silly to go all the way across town for an overpriced juice. Drinking alcohol can be a bit of a bottomless pit, where I can only have so many non alcoholic drinks before I’m full.

It was from this trip that I realized something. Drinking is like a form of meditation. Many people use it as a tool to fight boredom. When I have a drink I am ok with sitting or hanging out at the same bar or spot for hours having the same conversations over and over. But when I am not drinking. I am more aware and only want to have the conversation once, my patience for being in one place for a long time goes way down.

I realized that I have a heck of a time relaxing. Booze was a way that let me do that. Like many Americans, I struggle to relax on vacation. I am the kind of person who will spend a vacation writing a script by the pool, complaining that my laptop got sand in it. I have always really struggled to relax, and this is only exacerbated when I am sober. When I am not drinking I also don’t push it as much, so when I’m tired I just kinda go to bed. There is this foreverness, or keep the party going longer when I’m drinking. But without it I'm like good night!

I have a theory that a part of why people drink is to turn off and allow themselves to be present. I have never thought about drinking as presence juice before. But if I am being honest with myself it really is. Being alive today is stressful, there is a lot to worry about and we all want to just turn it down. Turn down the volume, turn down the stress, let go. And humans have used booze to do that forever. So of course if there is an elixir that is served damn near everywhere, of course let’s turn down for what.

Drinking alcohol at its core is a cycle of pleasure seeking. We seek the pleasure of the drink and experience of the cocktail. Then it feels good, so we think more will be more pleasure. But it's actually worse, so we just spend the whole evening seeking that initial feeling we got. Keep it going late into the night thinking yeah more of this will get me back there. But it never does. Then we sleep in, and have a hangover, so then it becomes nursing that hangover. Seeking feeling just normal. I spend all morning seeking baseline, and then that first drink hits again and we're back on it. I get caught up in this cycle and it eats up the vacation. So of course a sober vacation would feel empty. In some weird way I am missing the whole cycle. Like going from waking up feeling like complete trash and turning it around?! There is something fun about that. The euphoria of the day after the day after drinking? That is kind of the best. I think it's because I only know how good I am feeling by how bad I was feeling that previous morning.

We learned the hard way that San Francisco is not a walkable city.

Side note on sobriety in a couple. My husband has mostly stopped drinking with me. I don’t mind if he drinks in front of me. But it is hard when your partner isn’t drinking. I think it makes them feel guilty and this can lead to resentment. I think that it is important to talk about it and for both parties to respect it. That is if the sober one is over it you call it a night and the sober one allows space for some repeated conversations and sitting longer in boring situations.

The solution for me is to train myself to relax again. Work on just being present. Find new ways to practice presence. Allow some boredom. Remind myself that I have many of my best ideas when I am bored. It's why I write so many jokes in the shower or while I am folding laundry. I love adventure, but I have to make my quests different from just a bar crawl. I must plan my trips more thoroughly. Fill the trip up with more activities and always pack flip flops regardless of where I am going. When I reflect on it my conclusion is that even though I didn’t get the highs and lows of a drinking vacation,I am left happier overall. Yeah life is less of a rollercoaster when I am sober, but I am left with a baseline happiness that I never felt when I was using.

If you enjoyed this, share it with someone you believe needs to hear it and consider subscribing to my newsletter. You are doing great!

~Bjorn RG~

Sober San Francisco.