I am in a relationship with another comedian. It didn’t start out that way. He did come into it probably in large part because of me. But here we are, married comedians. Before this I had questions whether I could do it and how to make it work. For the most part I would not date other comedians, but it can work. It can be a fun thing to do together. Here are a few things that we do that I believe make things work.

"I've made it a principle not to be over-influenced by minor disappointments." ~ Marianne Moore

I think that the first part that makes our relationship work is to use the improv rule of Yes and… Agreement and build on ideas. Saying yes and matching energy. Really seeing their energy with things and matching enthusiasm. Something I love about my husband is he will match my energy, for good or bad. He doesn’t give me a second chance on it, so I really have to get it right. It really makes me have to consider my energy because he is going to match it. So I always ask myself if I could be feeling anything right now what would it be? I never want to be miserable, so I choose fun! But if I’m not feeling it I will let him know, and we are allowed to have the full range of emotions. I also allow him to show and have the full range of emotions. I support him as much as I can.

Healthy competition. I am saying that any win that my husband gets is not a loss for me. It is a win for both of us. Yet I also use it to get better. I know that I have a bit of competitive energy at times, but I really try to use it as my fuel to progress. I must stay in a growth mindset. The great thing is that we both win, and we both get better. For a long time I tried to totally eliminate competition and after I did I realized that it also cut my ambition and drive. So it's about a balance where I’m not doing things to cut him down, but I am using it more of don’t get left behind. It’s a keeping pace. I must stay in that growth headspace and just use it to work harder.

I am supportive, always. I check in and ask what he wants. The foundation of a successful relationship is about finding the conversation that is under the conversation. There are two types of conversations: problem solving or support/empathy. Either I will flat out ask, or I know that in this moment he probably is looking for empathy, not solutions. More often it’s just support and empathy. I know that after a bad set, I need a cheerleader to pick me up. I need that inspiring half time coach speech. You got this! You are funny, screw that audience they don’t get you! I get you and trust me you are great at this! I can confidently say that after a poor set, nobody wants solutions, even if they ask for them. It is not the time. It is hard, especially because I do usually see what happened or the moment he lost the audience. I just take a note, and another day if he asks I’ll let him know. Otherwise it’s about letting them figure it out.

Do not allow resentment to build. I make sure and check my expectations before resentment can build. When I feel some resentment I will ask myself where this is coming from? It can usually be traced back to me not saying something but having an expectation not being met. But how is he supposed to know if we don’t have a conversation about it. We build these expectations in our heads or based on roles we play day to day. It’s so important to be aware of these expectations.

I am writing this because I am currently in another city and I am just here supporting my man. I flew in with him to watch him do a set in his first comedy festival. He has gone on tour with me many times to support me and now I am doing it for him. I feel that I am stable enough that it is not a threat to me. I am so proud of him. I could get bitter that things are happening for him faster than they did for me, but this thinking is not helpful for me or our relationship. Maybe it’s all my experience, but I really love and support my husband. To me this shows how I have grown as a person that I can do this. I don’t need to be the center and there is not a finite amount of stage time for comedians. I believe it all comes down to listen and support one another, you are on a team, so at the end of the day if one wins you both win.

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Thank you for reading, you’re doing great.

Bjorn RG.

How to have a successful relationship with a comedian.