Recently I have been experiencing a huge loss in my confidence and a string of bombings that I have not experienced in a long time. I have responded to this in the way I always do, I double down on writing and performing and obsessing over jokes. This does not work and has only made my performances worse rather than better. I think at early stages in development this method can help. It’s like — I’m not doing well, ok let's work on developing skills. But at this point it’s more harmful for me than helpful.

“Even in defeat I find a way to let confidence grow” ~Gio Valiante

In the past week I am not able to tap into my confident comedy headspace. I have a headspace that it feels like I tap into, usually it just happens for me when I’m up there on stage, but for some reason it feels broken, like I’m unable to turn it on. I can’t get comedy hard. What happened? Several big life events happened for me. I bought a house, got married, and all my regular shows were abruptly canceled. It’s a combination of life going well and comedy not going well. I’ve heard that when life’s going well comedy tends to suck and when life sucks comedy tends to go great. I would like to think that I can have both. But right now it’s not looking possible. I entered a local comedy contest in hopes that it would get me excited about comedy again. I do well with little due dates like an upcoming show that I care about the outcome of. So I worked diligently on writing a new set of material for this contest over the course of 3 weeks. I did everything I knew about comedy writing and really felt good about where the jokes were. I felt my performance of them was exactly what I wanted. Many punchlines that were crushing in the week leading up to it fell flat, and I got a medium at best response. Needless to say, I did not advance to the next round in the contest.

Here is the set:

This experience left me feeling indifferent and after a while it began to shake my confidence even more. I believe the combination of the comedy contest, all of my shows, and podcasts ending has destroyed my confidence. It started when I was on the first show after they all ended and the host asked if I had anything to plug, to which I said no. The few sets I’ve done after the contest have not gone well. I have not been able to write or perform. My comedy headspace feels like it’s in Canada and I have a DUI on my record so I cannot enter the country. I asked a friend and she said, “I think you have the comedy yips.”

I first heard about the “yips” from the 1996 classic Kevin Costner Golf flick Tin Cup. There is a part where the main character Roy, who is an extremely good golfer, all of a sudden starts to play poorly and everyone says oh no he’s got the yips.

Wikipedia Defines the Yips as: “a sudden and unexplained loss of ability to execute certain skills in experienced athletes. Symptoms of the yips are losing fine motor skills and psychological issues that impact the muscle memory and decision-making of athletes, leaving them unable to perform basic skills of their sport.”

The monkey and the coconut trap.

This parable that comes from Robert Pirsig’s “Zen and the art of Motorcycle maintenance” I will summarize it. Basically there is a trap made from a hollowed out coconut with a small hole and rice inside, this is then chained to a tree. The monkey’s hand fits inside the hole, but the clenched fist does not fit coming out. The monkey try’s to grab all the rice, but then the monkey’s hand is trapped inside the coconut. It is trapped by an idea not by anything physical, but the more it holds it the more danger it is in. He is trapped by the idea that has served him in the past — “when you see rice hold it tight” — but now is putting him in real danger. If the monkey could just let go of the rice, or pull small amounts out at a time it could be successful.

I think about this parable often. My inclination is when things are not going to plan I work harder. Where the real solution is to relax, let go of my previously held ideas and take it slower. Most of the time my skills depleting is a sign of burnout or fatigue. I am learning later in life that this can happen mentally to me as well as physically. When a project isn’t coming together the way I want it to, I have to remind myself to take a step back, maybe go do something else. Ironically when my comedy isn’t working I go hit golf balls or just walk my dog. Another one is I usually need to eat something or sleep.

It’s so hard for me but the best solution to the yips is to take a break, slow down. Loosen your grip on practice. Practice just enough. Think about it less, work on trusting yourself and sills. Focus more on what is going well, look for small wins. For golfers the yips typically effects their putting ability. Then this begins to affect other aspects of their game because it’s like, if my putting is off what about my drive? Or my irons? It becomes a downward spiral of negative thinking. The wild thing about golf is the longer shots are easier mentally because there is a chance to recover from them. The putt feels like you should have made it.

This is a photo of the closest to a hole in one I have ever gotten. If you don't count the 2 balls I hit into the water before teeing up this one.

Much like these Blog posts, I have to find that combination of effort and reflection. I have to actually sit down and write something. But after a while of banging out words I have to step away from it, come back and clean it up. This is a story that plays out in my life a lot. I am an all or nothing kind of guy. I am either action or total distraction. These blog posts are my attempt at that balance.

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Thank you for reading, you’re doing great.

Bjorn RG.

The Standup Comedy Yips.