(Im)poster Child
I feel, the more I write the less I have to say. This is such an interesting dichotomy for me. Like I want to become a better writer and writers write, so write Bjorn!
When I have a good set in comedy or write a great piece, I become nervous, even more nervous than I was before. This fear that I just created my best work and I will never be able to repeat or get any better. It’s all downhill from here! I know that this is an irrational fear, but it still creeps in. It's like I’m disappointed with myself if I have a bad piece of writing or a bad set, but I’m almost more afraid when things go well. I wonder if this is a universal experience. Is this imposter syndrome? Like I am afraid that everyone will realize that I am just a little boy in a man’s body pretending to be a comedian or a writer or business owner.
“I still sometimes feel like a loser kid in high school and I just have to pick myself up and tell myself that I’m a superstar every morning so that I can get through this day and be for my fans what they need for me to be.” ~Lady Gaga~
My imposter syndrome pops up in different areas of my life. I started my own business (Bearskn.com) and I have been doing it now for about 11 years. I still feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and someone is going to come and say “hey Bjorn we all know you are still faking it, this isn’t a real business, this is cute but I’m gonna need you to grow up and get a real job.” The idea creeps into my brain that because I created it therefore it’s not “real”. I found a shortcut and broke off from the herd. The only “real” creative directors went through a formal hiring process, rose up in the ranks to earn the position. You can’t just create your own business and give yourself the title. That isn’t real. Then I will have moments talking to other business owners or people in the same position as me and I’m like wait I know how to do all that, am I real? Then imposter syndrome shows up in that toddler voice, real business police here, I’m going to need you to grow up, break your commercial lease, liquidate all this inventory and assets and get a real job Mr. Ryan-Gorman. Yeah just do a quick “fake” payroll for your employees and contractors. If after 11 years I still don’t feel like it’s a “real” business when will I? I've been living off the income from it for years, it's as real as ever.
I try to remind myself that if I am doing it then it is real. I am a real comedian because I practice comedy. If I have regular practice, I can wear the title. I write every day. I am a writer. It's just blog posts, personal journals, summaries of books I’m reading, and copy for my underwear brand. But that’s real. If I am practicing it, I am the thing. If I am golfing and hit a car, I am still the golfer at fault. I do talk about golf too much. If I am riding a skateboard at the skatepark, I am a skateboarder. Even if I’m that guy mostly standing around talking about what I used to be able to do.
My best guess would be that this mentality comes from my 18 years of traditional school. Yes, I did the math right, I did 13 years of public school followed by getting a 4 year degree in 5 years. Oddly math was my strongest subject. Yet here I am impersonating a creative writer and hoping to write a real fake book someday. If you couldn’t tell by my extra time required in school, I struggled with the traditional system. I even struggled with it out of school to get that normal job. If I got an interview I got the job, but on paper I’m not the strongest of candidates so I didn’t usually get the interview. This is my gift and my curse, it forces me to do my own thing, till I get somewhere and then keep on doing my own thing. So I caught my imposter syndrome from school. School and grades and structure gives us all the belief that there is a system to life and grades in life. The system needs people to believe in it for it to exist. It’s like an imaginary construct, that only works if you believe in it. But if you are like me, who doesn’t fit into it, it's hard. Yet I really tried and I got all these made up beliefs about what is real success or what counts, and what doesn’t count. Like if I were to make up my own curriculum and teach it, is it school?
Comedy has been no different for me. I had this experience that I keep on having with the comedy scene. I moved to Portland in 2017 after doing standup for 5 years in other cities with some early success. The scene has been gas lighting me ever since. It took me about a year to finally be booked on a showcase and really didn’t get noticed by anyone until after I started my own shows. Even then I haven’t been given much.
I’ve never been a traditional guy, I’m the guy that starts traditions. I create communities wherever I go. I’ve always had a crew. In high school I had a group of friends that would skateboard together on ramps that I built or rails I wielded, afterwards we would play music in the living room at my house with all the random instruments we had lying around; a bass guitar, African drums, cow bell, and rain sticks. You know, just your typical Friday night activity. In college my best friend and I started a skate crew called the Budda Kreamerz, loosely based on the title of a Mormon coming of age straight to VHS story. We started this because there was another skate crew and they were not welcoming to us. We went around and recruited everyone around them, ultimately eclipsing the original crew. The Budda Kreamerz grew to around 20 active members. We started off as a group of skaters who would thrift wild outfits and wear them at the skatepark. We went on to create skate videos. To this day the Kreamerz is a private group chat and even has a Portland based chapter for all the Kreamerz who ended up here. It took me a while but I built a small crew of comedy friends to collaborate on shows and support one another. This is not a traditional path.
(if you want an oral history we had a episode of The size 10 podcast where we discussed it in detail)
If I have imposter syndrome, then can I be cured? If I contracted it from school then how can I cure it? I think it can be by continuing to do my own thing until it's real. I think for me I must define what “real” is to me and then I can know if I have achieved it or not. I don’t think there is a traditional path. I have come to realize that the traditional path is boring and unfulfilling. I was just forced to reconcile with it sooner than most people. I thought I was going to get that boring corporate job and have that midlife crisis where I quit the rat race and pursue something more meaningful. Well luckily for me I’m neither a rat nor racist. I’m the guy who was not invited to the party, but realized I’m always invited to the party I throw. My reality has always been if I don’t do it, it’s not happening.
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~Bjorn RG~